So, my last post was on the 28th May, 2014. Just a little over a year ago, and believe you me, what an eventful year it has been…
- Graduating university (2;1, thank you God)
- Completing an internship just to find out some months in, that I hate the field and now have no clue where my life is headed.
- Mental and Emotional breakdowns, self-loathing which all ultimately led to depression.
- Counselling sessions etc., etc., etc., the list goes on.
With that ugly dark cloud over my head, everything just sucked. I was unable to make the simplest of decisions, regularly questioned my sanity, and worst of all, I couldn't begin to put words to how I was feeling/thinking. NOTHING MADE SENSE. I became a shell, not really living; purely existing.
Yet, despite the multiple hours of (seemingly) never ending darkness, I'm still here. Alive and what not (go me!!!).
If I'm honest, I saw it coming from my final year of university, the closer graduation day came the more I convinced myself that I was 'doing great' and had it all figured out.
Biggest. Lie. Ever.
If you've graduated or are about to, or are facing similar woes, be assured,
IT'S ONLY FOR A SEASON. How long that season lasts is really up to you. Don't push your issues under a carpet, or toss them to the depths of your mind for a later date.
DEAL WITH THEM or they will deal with you (mercilessly, might I add).
SIT WITH YOURSELF.
In trying to mask my brokenness, I occupied myself with fixing the problems of others. Which is all well and good, until the cracks start to show and you've been so preoccupied with every struggle but your own that you no longer know who YOU are or what YOU need. (No one will assume YOU need help because that mask from the outside makes it seem like you've got it all covered…remember? )
No bueno; been there, done that and still trying to teach myself to quit playing superman, or more so, God in the lives of others.
I'm now on a journey of self-discovery (so cliché, I know, sorry), up until a few months ago I couldn't even remember what hobbies I had, what things I liked etc. So reviving this forgotten blog is part of that journey.
I'm also having to retrain my mind, thats where the battle begins. Get that under control and everything else will follow.
So I challenge you to do the same. Every closet has a few skeletons, dig through yours, revisit key moments in your past that have conributed to the emotional or mental state you find yourself in now. WRITE THINGS DOWN.
WARNING: It won't be fun, it won't make you feel all happy and warm inside, it won't be comfortable and it may not look like a room full of colour co-ordinated skittles.
But it's worth it, nobody can help you understand you…but you (read it again if you have to).
TALK TO SOMEONE.
If you're friends all suck…*blinks rapidly* well, then you need new friends to put it plainly.
Talk to someone you respect or can relate with. Someone that doesn't talk trash and will actually edify you, not with frilly words and quick confidence rants (these things loose value in a short time). Someone that will tell you the truth, someone that will speak life to you, someone that will LISTEN to understand (not just use your issues as a debate starter on Twitter -_-).
BE CAUTIOUS ABOUT WHAT YOU ALLOW IN YOUR SPACE.
Guard the windows to your subconscious, (ears, eyes and mouth primarily). What you allow in, will affect what comes out of you. So for example, you are struggling with your body image: log out of instagram, twitter or whatever else you use to check up on the celebrities or media personalities that look the way you wish you looked. IT'S NOT HELPING YOU. All it's doing is giving you the opportunity to compare yourself to an example you will never be able to mirror.
Example numéro deux: you struggle with understanding WHO you are. Instagram and Snapchat are definitely the worst medicine for this, social media is all a false sense of reality, pictures are worth a thousand words, but the person posting the picture or video are the authors of exactly what those words are. Don't feed yourself with ideologies of the "perfect life" or "relationship goals" in such an unsure state.
Fun Fact: I didn't actually plan to share ANY of this with you, but hey, here we are!
I know someone out there needs it though (pass the link along please and thanks). Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm all fine and dandy, (I just know I will be and that's a far step from what I was affirming 4months ago), nor am I saying that I'm now secure in what I'm doing with my life (with every counselling session I have, I'm realising I SERIOUSLY don't have the answers) but I accept this and I'm learning to
truly trust God --that's a completely different blog post altogether -- I still feel alone and still doubt myself sometimes.
However, now I see these things for what they are, I take the time to address the reasons behind it and i take them to God. I now refuse to let certain emotions, thoughts and habbits control me, the issues you see listed above weren't ordained to overcome me, but to strengthen me, teach me and eventually cleanse me of serious emotional and mental baggage.
They had to come out, for me to go forward.
BEING UNHAPPY/UNSATISFIED WITH YOURSELF (or life) IS DRAINING!!!
Sometimes realise/remember you have been given
VICTORY over these things and
ACT LIKE IT.
Hunger for change will push you to step out and claim your happiness, claim your freedom, claim your joy and claim your sanity; your story may look a lot like mine, or a little like mine, whatever the case, in order for you to step into a life of substance ---> ACTION IS REQUIRED!!!
IF you wake up another day remember it's a sign, a blank canvas, a chance to change, correct, create, learn and LIVE. Don't waste it, start now. EVERYTHING will be ok.
I'm praying for you and I believe in you,
- Cee
